Ian Narev announced today that he was stepping down from his role as the CEO of the Commonwealth Bank to take up a new role with “a grassroots community based organisation called Islamic State”.
“As much as it pains me to leave the Commonwealth Bank, I’m pleased with what our team has achieved over the past few years. One of the major criticisms leveled at the Big Four is our lack of social engagement both locally and abroad, which is why I’m so pleased that our bank has done so much to contribute to community groups and organisations in the Middle East. I’m looking forward to taking the next step into working directly with such organisations, and to finding out more about ISIS’s community engagement programs and expansion plans” Mr Narev announced in a statement.
“We’ve obviously worked together quite a bit over the last few years, and it’s been a productive relationship.”
“I’m told that their operations have been curtailed lately due to logistics and human capital shortfalls – operating margins have really taken a hit so this will be a ‘turnaround’ style role.”
Mr Narev has confirmed that he was approached about the role after the group’s former head of finance, Syrian native Fawaz Muhammad Jubayr al-Rawi was listed as missing by the group following a mysterious explosion at his home on the Euphrates River.
“Look the ISIS executive management team were surprisingly nonplussed. At first I couldn’t work out what they were saying; I thought he’d quit and gone to Virgin or something, but then they kept talking about 72 Virgins, so maybe it was one of their satellite companies and not head office, I don’t know. But I was wrong about that, he’s totally dead, blown to bits. Abu Bakr gave me a call about it, he was at pains to tell me that despite what I might read, locals didn’t see a missile streak in moments before the blast. Apparently Fawaz had had a dodgy propane tank hooked up to his kitchen, and that the bloke was just mad for baking scones and muffins by candlelight, so it was all a terrible accident.”
“I’m looking forward to meeting the team, on-boarding and forging ahead with their community outreach activities.”