Australia’s irony exports boom as Dutton appointed head of intelligence

Continuing with his election and coital mantra of “jobs and growth”, Malcolm Turnbull has provided a huge boost to Australia’s irony export industry, while also pretending to increase national security.

The move announced today will see six agencies, including ASIO, the AFP and the Australian Border Force, all consolidated under Grand Poobah of Watching Other People Poop, Peter Dutton.

Dutton, now responsible for overseeing Australia’s intelligence community, could be seen with his brow furrowed in concentration, as he tried to follow Malcolm Turnbull’s speech announcing the change.

“Listening to this many words in one go is normally difficult for Peter. I’m a little worried he’s going to roar like Chewbacca in frustration at trying to keep up”, said one of Dutton’s aides, who will remain anonymous until The CentreLine is investigated.

The level of irony at the press conference is unprecedented, and was high enough to grab Gina Rinehart’s attention.

Rinehart slithered onto her private jet and flew to Canberra, to claim prospecting rights over the entire event. It is believed she threatened to eat anyone who challenged her claim.

It is unclear at this stage if the extra exports will result in any new jobs for Australians, but the French manufacturers of Rinehart’s favourite yachts are very excited.

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