Man beats up foreigner, adored by city

In case anyone was wondering, the city of Brisbane has recently proved to everyone why it should not be taken seriously as the “new world city” its politicians so desperately want it to be.

After successfully beating the shit out of a small brown person, boxer Jeff Horn has been given the keys to the city of Brisbane by a completely impartial authority figure; his cousin, the Lord Mayor.

“Cuzzy Quirky”, as he’s known in the Horn household was positively tumescent in his praise of his own kin when hosting a parade in Horn’s honour.

“You really fucked that little cunt up, and Brisbane salutes you!” Beamed a turgid Mr Quirk.

“The Hornet” as he is imaginatively known was eager to accept the praise of a father-figure.

Worryingly, thousands of locals joined in and the whole thing descended in to an awful miasma of group fellatio on one individual with a tiny-man complex.

Meanwhile, in depressingly unrelated news, Queensland’s teachers, doctors and nurses continued to work tirelessly in order to shape the minds of our children, save lives and care for our sick.

When asked about the possibility of honouring the work done by teachers, doctors and nurses, Mr Quirk responded “If you can get 50,000 people in a stadium to watch a nurse give some oldie a sponge bath, then we’ll talk.”

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