First nuclear subs, now laser rifles: Tony Abbot proposes other defence contracts need to be revisited

Taking a break from his commitments to talking over the top of Malcolm Turnbull, Tony Abbott has renewed his call for defence procurement processes to focus on “more cool shit”.

Citing recent procurement of new rifles and grenades for Australian infantry forces, Tony simulated the pulling of a trigger and vocalised a number of onomatopoeia words for gunfire or explosions: “Blam! Blamblamblam! BA-BOOM!!!”

“Even though nuclear subs would be super cool compared to normal subs, and I’d look like a fucking god standing on one for the press, how good would it be if we had laser guns for our troops? Or plasma rifles, like in Predator, mounted on their shoulders and stuff? With like heat targetting? ISIS would be dead as!”

“And frag grenades are cool cause like – BANG – and then you’re covered in shrapnel and stuff but they could be cooler! Like if it was liquid nitrogen and then – SPRACK – the terrorists were like covered in it and then you could punch them and they’d just like totally shatter!!”

“Saw that new Transformers movie too that was way cool and would be good for spies and stuff cause like you would be all driving a ferarri and then (vocalisation of electrical/mechanical sounds accompanied by hand gestures) you could turn into a robot that shoots rocket launchers and stuff”

Mr Abbott further suggested that Australia needed to “get back on track” and his plan for modernising the defence force would “kickstart Australian manufacturing”, finishing his pitch by miming the actions involved in loading, aiming and firing a rocket propelled grenade, stating “PEWWWWWWW” and winking at our female reporter.

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