Consumer watchdog goes after well-known cult

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) is suing one of the most pervasive and insidious cults currently known to Australian society following reports of ritual behaviour resulting in serious burns and other injuries.

In news that has sent middle-class housewives of Australia reeling, the ACCC has announced it has launched Federal Court action against Thermomix in Australia (TIA).

The high-end kitchen product, retailing for over $2,000 AUD has amassed a cult the likes of which have not been seen since the DemTel epidemic of the 1990s.

Through the gauze wrapped around the third-degree burns on her face, Brisbane mother Stephanie Matheson mumbled “I was just checking on my paleo, Thai green chicken curry dumplings with Thermo-rice when the thing erupted molten coconut oil all over my face. The pain was horrendous. Fortunately, the good ol’Thermy was still able to finish cooking the meal, dress my wounds and then perform fellatio on my tired and stressed husband. It really is that good!”

It’s this level of brainwashing that has the ACCC worried. It is alleged that the company has engaged in misleading marketing practices regarding the safety and oral capabilities of the TM31 model in particular. “The thing uses way too much teeth” an ACCC spokesperson said.

While it’s true that TIA did in fact issue a consumer warning regarding the risk of hot liquid being sprayed all over the body of the individual standing nearby, it was generally dismissed as “locker-room talk”.

When approached for comment by The Centreline, TIA’s response was a pre-written statement that “We will not comment while the matter is subject to legal proceedings. Although, the TM5 has none of the problems of the TM31, plus it will cup the balls.”

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