Following an unsustainable rise in the price of Bitcoins, crazy uncles across Australia are now burying hard-drives stashed with the cryptocurrency, where they once would have buried bars of gold to prepare for a doomsday scenario.
“Bitcoin makes a lot of sense to us. It isn’t controlled by those fat cats in Washington, for a start” said an anonymous crazy uncle over Sunday lunch.
“We’ll be burying it as fast as we can, against the impending collapse of fiat currency that I’ve correctly predicted would happen every year for the past 30 years, despite it being delayed by the Illuminati each time. You’ll see”
Bitcoin started out life as a concept beloved of a niche group of tech-loving utopians, who believed that fractional reserve banking and government-controlled money supplies are the root of all of society’s ills. Having never glanced at an economics textbook, these individuals honestly believed they were creating a new order that would rapidly replace the old ways.
If this type of logic sounds familiar, it’s because this is exactly the type of thinking that crazy uncles have always applied to gold; it is the one true currency, that brings all the other currencies together, and in the darkness, binds them.
Having been created from a similar world view, Bitcoin quickly started taking ground from what gold has traditionally been used for; black market deals. Smuggling, arms trade, drugs and prostitution have all benefited greatly from the untraceable cryptocurrency.
Bitcoin has been steadily gaining momentum from those black market deals, to being accepted by legitimate websites that sell items people still don’t want showing up on credit cards, such as inflatable dolls, smurf porn and donations to the Corey Bernardi’s Australian Conservatives Party.
Closing in on gold, Bitcoin finally hit the holy grail for pseudo-currencies; speculative investors. Gambling addicts who needed something to do between the ponies finishing and the cocaine wearing off started speculating on Bitcoin. Once the price rose high enough, it cracked a mention in the finance pages of Newscorp and Fairfax. Mum and dad investors started piling in and it was on for young and old.
By combining mistrust of governments, a controlled supply of money and rampant price movements that any sensible investor would avoid, Bitcoin really has stepped into the same league as gold.
The Centreline has reached out to the Crazy Uncles Notional Transactions Society (CUNTS), to ask how relatively useless lumps of shiny metal or hard-drives full of information will be useful in an apocalypse, given the likelihood of scarce food and water.
The response we received was a YouTube video of a man decanting his own urine from his spare tinfoil hat.