Emails leaked exclusively to The CentreLine show that the Chinese government have extended an offer to their Australian counterparts, to fund the investigation of Chinese influence in Canberra.
The emails, sent to Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten’s personal addresses, MalcolmInDaKirribilliHouse@PM.gov.au and LaborLover69@flopposition.gov.au respectively, have revealed the dangerous links between Australian government and China.
Addressed to both leaders of the major parties, the message state “If you’re going to do this pointless investigation, just make sure it looks thorough enough to fool Katter and Hanson, but not thorough enough that it finds anything”.
They go on to say “We’ll bankroll this in the usual manner; a giant red envelope stuffed with cash will be left in a vacant apartment overlooking Sydney Harbour. The keys will be in a bag, next to a bin beside the Coles downstairs. Send Sam Dastyari to collect it; he’s the only one who we can trust to be sufficiently greasy in this whole affair”.
These startling revelations have caused turmoil in Canberra. Both the Coalition and Labor have written this off as “appropriate relationship building with a significant trading partner”, the Greens tweeted “#ElectoralReFOrm!!” before going into a collective apoplectic seizure, and One Nation can’t figure out if they’re happy about Chinese money flowing into Australia, as it may be halal.
The Chinese ambassador commented to the Centreline that “China is of course very interested in this investigation, which is why we have so graciously offered to pay for it”.