Investors were surprisingly comforted today by an announcement by Adani Group that they would be diversifying into the niche sushi market. This was to be done in a bid to appeal to elitist hippies who believe the Japanese cuisine is “like, totally a healthy takeaway”.
The global conglomerate, renowned for wrecking the world in multiple poverty stricken countries, today released in its annual mission statement, with a few new additions to its corporate values. Previously, the skeletal values statement consisted of; Adani Group: “transforming countries we invest in, into bare-boned, raped-of-any-resources-at-any-cost wastelands”. The new and improved statement has now been fitted to add; “in which we will also profit off all those shiny new fish we created with all the pollution were going to pump out as we cut costs”.
An Adani spokesperson was seen giggling today, mouthing to colleagues, “If the Australian government won’t fund us, then the stupid millennials will have a hand in driving our stock prices up,” in reference to the average Australian young adult’s pathological need to instagram the latest and greatest gimmicks from the innovative restaurant market.
Prior to press time, Marlin, a resident of the Great Barrier Reef who was visiting relatives just north of the Abbot Point coal terminal, was found dead. Due to reporters fleeing Adani “Gollum” workers who were scavenging the waterside, no comment could be reported.