In what came as a shock to millennials all over the country at the slyness employed within the cut-throat avocado industry, reports have revealed a national conspiracy by ‘Big Avo.’
The shady conglomerate of sellers of the green soft fruit have been found to be funding a media presence on the pretentiousness of utilising the humble avo’ in your morning tea brunch.
In what is being dubbed Avogate, industry Avo-brokers have been caught perpetuating generational wealth by slipping leading right-wing journalists brown paper bags full of avocado seeds. These seeds are currently going on the market at the standard deposit of a house in a prominent inner city suburb with the future value of a mature avocado tree yielding higher returns than most blue chip shares.
In light of the recent slew of emotional-masturbation-turned-into-cutting-edge opinion pieces about the frivolous nature of millennials choosing the mushy fruit over engaging in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, the motivation for the scheme has come to light. Millennials have adopted the method of protest where they now choose to dine at their favourite café snapping pictures of their avocado smash while lamenting about the state of the economy ironically. This brilliant power move has the added bonus of uncovering the basic-bitches among us while also pushing the prices of the seeds up daily.
In a shocking twist which has dealt a terrific blow to the tight knit millennial community, further information has come to light on the practice of sterilising avocado seeds bought from the local grocery stores. One industry insider proclaimed, “Yea those seeds are about as useless a university degree, but it doesn’t stop the young-ins from thinking they can come up with a crafty way out of their future of economic slavery. Now that you mention it, it’s kinda like the property market and buying property so far out in the sticks that it’ll take 30 years before anyone sees any worthwhile return.”