Mohammed “Muzza” Awali has celebrated his first Newstart allowance payment in the traditional Australian manner – with a slab of VB and a gram of methamphetamine. Mr Awali became an Australian citizen in January, and has been working hard to fit into his adopted country.
“There’s a lot of pressure to fit in. I’ve had to pick up a lot of bad habits when I’m speaking, ya know?” said Mr Awali.
“I’m excited about completing this ritual, though I’m not looking forward to the after effects. Frankly, the beer is horse piss and smoking meth is against my religion, but youse pricks told me I had to fit in or f**k off, so I’m fitting in.”
According to the latest census conducted by the ABS, Australians welcome immigrants more openly if they “aren’t a bunch of stuck-up c**ts” and “can have a tinny and a bong without getting weird about it”.
“When I moved here, they told me “working hard to become a valuable member of the community is an admirable goal in other countries, but not in Australia. You need to figure out how to get the most stuff for the least amount of effort. Then they will respect you””.